I probably will be able to relate to most when I say that in my childhood, I had not a care in the world. As I entered adolescence, memories of what little pieces of childhood I thought I had left, was cherised. What was forgotten remained but shades of yellows.
For a while now, I have not seen the world as any shade of colour. The transparency of the real world became obvious in my early teens or late childhood. Superficial. Fake. Consumerism. Money.
How I did not realise before is baffling. Actually what is more shocking is how the people around me seemed to change suddenly. The opinions of all I knew were different. Individualistic. Now, everyone seemed like the same person. Knowing one person was like knowing them all. I knew they were different because they did not look the same, but it was boring to hear one person say I like this and another say I like that too. ‘Isolation from this world was key to keep myself unique’ I thought.
This world at first, to me, was sick and barely tolerable. Blending in with the rest of society was the last of my concerns. Sitting on the borderlines of the norm, I watched those who did everything to meet the subtle push of society and its expectations. I felt unique yet slightly out of place. What is the new black? A constant question I hear in various forms. Taking shape in simple questions such as what do you like, what is your favourite colour or, the occasional, she ugly or what? It is laughable to see there is no limit to the concept of ‘fitting in’. Lies built upon lies to meet what the majority considers normal.
The worst you can get, in high school and from a female population, from being ‘too much of an individual’ is exclusion, the worst form of female bullying. It happened to me as I entered high school. Ignored and forgotten. The first day, I realised I was really alone as I stood in the middle of the basketball court, alone. Just as I realised that, my friend Bayal, tapped me on the back and asked if I was okay. Maybe God tried to tell me I was never alone. I do not know if they were excluding me on purpose but I hold no grudge. I already forgiven them. If that had not happened I would not be the person I am today and I would have never met K.C. or Rinni. We, three, were always together.
Those who were seen as most social and fashionable were considered popular, though no one would admit it. Boyfriends, fashion and music were trends and they follow it to the letter. I had a slight grudge against them for acting as role models for this consumerism world. I truly hoped that it was not because of jealousy, it is one of many emotions I love to avoid. They talked to me on an occasion, I felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable. I knew it was not their fault for trying to be normal but… I simply did not want to get to know them. They seem so similar, it is scary.
Only recently, I had somewhat accepted them. They lead a good example to follow for this consumer society… I mean, it could be worse with the drugs and alcohol in the streets. I know them quite a bit and they seem set to make the mature decisions involving love, friends, alcohol and everything in general.
I have come to accept the world and, hypocritically, became who I despised (partially). I realised the world is not just black and white. There are shades of grays and different colours. Those who do attempt to blend in do not lost themselves in this world but rather gain acceptance, which reinforces who they are. Encouragement from society and people around you is gained when they realised that some commonalities are shared between you and them. This is much like getting to know and connect with someone, as it is easier to become closer if you share a common interest, hobby, etc.
I cannot change the world if I cannot see through the perspective of those around me. I am different, though I am proud that I chose to be somewhat the same as everyone around me.
I am still learning much about this world, I was once oblivious to. I hope to see its better aspects and improve its worst.