Some times to not smile.

Morning!
‘Rare occasion’ I thought. Mum talked to me today. No loudness to make a point, just talk. She looked at me in the eye and smiled, just with her eyes. My mother is strong and prideful; no sign of weakness must be seen, strength must always be shown in a way that is almost verbally audacious in Western society. Well, what is rude is not within the content of what she is saying but the tone and volume.

“Never swear because it’s rude”, I will never forget that.

Afternoon 
I have not shown an unhappy face for a long time, especially in front of my mum. She was strong for me when I cried, so I wanted to be strong for her as I have never seen her cry. This led me to believe, as a child, ‘if the Earth continued revolving when someone cried, then why should we cry?’. I later figured the reason why we do, it because we are human and there’s another weakness we have. Empathy.

I wanted to cry for her but I knew how proud she was. I do not think sympathy is what she wanted. She threw a tantrum, it was like I was looking at my younger self through her eyes. So as she did when I was younger, I said nothing.

Whilst my silence, she blamed me, them and then herself. The loudness of her voice returned, though thought lost in the morning.

It was then I noticed that every step she took reflected her effort to subside her anger. I hoped.

Soon after, a stranger greeted us. Actually, a stranger she knew. God’s attempt to help lighten the mood, probably, and it worked. She smiled.

From there it was a quiet storm. Very, very quiet. Then an explosion of thunder and lightning halfway home.

She inferred ‘Are you okay?’

I inferred ‘It is fine, it will grow back’

She inferred ‘That’s true…’

I inferred ‘yep!’

Then from there a quiet beach with birds and people.

Looking for Lunch 
 It was the hairdresser’s fault, not mine. I said to follow the instruction my mum told you. I couldn’t see what they were doing, they told me to take of my glasses. Perfect! It’s a conspirasy to kill my hair’s health points by half (World of Warcraft talk).

They said ‘aren’t you a good girl?’. I said ‘Yep!’ God, soooo uncool! What could I say? Then they gave the wrong haircut. My mum threw a fit. Then the walk home… a very short walk. She was angry. Very angry.

Seriously, over hair. MY hair! Come on! Mum!

Eating Lunch with Mum

 

Eating lunch with Mum
 She looks happier 🙂

Daydreaming

I daydream at night would you call that daydream?… I guess a better word for it is imagining.

Recently it has been a bother. I read between the lines of what people are saying, imagine the worst possible consequence then it ends up effecting my ‘real’ life. Just today, I felt depressed and over what? Actually, I don’t remember, maybe it’s easy to feel sad and harder to be happy.

‘I wish someone can hug me as much as I do to my friends’ was what I thought after lunch today. -sigh- Though I would be happy if I didn’t say it and they would do it. I love them a lot but I’m not as important as they are to me. They have other friends and I feel… envious… another emotion I want to avoid. One of the seven sins. I’m not Catholic but it’s nice to have a reference for the bad thing I do intentionally(which I tried avoid) and unintentionally (which I tried avoid even more).

If things were easier in life, I would… nevermind… I probably be bored. -sigh-

I knew I would regret not living life to the fullest, in my childhood. I knew there were hardships in the future, who knew it could be this troublesome? Everybody older, that’s who! They told me over and over and over again, basically, ‘have fun while you still can’.

meow!

gah!

If life was a person I would strangle him, then beg him to be lenient as a sexual favour.

Would Life be kind?

Pain

Susan Boyle’s Wild horses

Disclaimer: This song and its lyrics does not belong to me.

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie

I have my freedom but I dont have much time

Faith has been broken, tears must be cried

Lets do some living after we die

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away

The wild horses wouldn’t drag me away

I love this song. It’s full of meaning and emotion.

Through the pain.

Knowing you have to move on.

You don’t want to feel hurt or pain.

Beg for mercy, for it to go away.

In the end, no one but you can end the suffering.

Giving

There are ‘invisible’ people in the world. The interpretation of an ‘invisible’ person is up to you to decide but we all know them.

They sit in the back of the class room, just listening. They occasionally speak up yet many do not listen or even acknowledge his/her existence.

‘Circumstances.’ I said to myself. Yes, I thought they had their reasons, what ever that maybe, to become somewhat socially inept; to become who they are.

Is the reason I had chosen my career path as a psychologist.