Unforgivable Excuse?

Using someone’s death as a means for change. Is it just or inhumane?

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Restless and stressed.

It is hard to remember that the proceeding benefits do outweigh the current anguish we face and procrastinating, in the face of danger, seems to play a large role in our already unimaginably large obstacles.

Regret, without failure seems to follow along side, as well…

On a lighter note!

It has been halfway through my school holidays. Surprisingly, I think my limit for going out stands at 2 times per week. haha! It is not only physically strenuous but also emotionally, or maybe it is because I am unfit or incompatible with shopping?

Sure, I understand that hanging out with friends is fun and enjoyable. It is. Believe me, it is. You would not believe the amounts of polite ‘shut-ups’ I got from a person in particular….

But, you know, everything has its ups and downs. For one, shopping is emotionally harmful for a… fashion-deprived teenager and the cause, Asian parents with an overprotective Chinese voodoo charm to trap innocent daughters in the cage of ‘purity’ (if you know what I mean). yeah! I am not elaborating.

Also when shopping, you not only have to take into consideration what you want and what suits you, but also the subtle hints from a poker faced friend when you ask them “What do you think?” + a grin hiding the slight fear of ridicule. This is probably only me, since I do consider myself quite a self-conscious person and I am one.

Hmm… what else? Well, there are times when I just want to wander and explore a little. Though there is a limit on how much fun you can have by yourself, (excluding imaginary dudes and dudettes) there is, however, a more restricted limit with a more uptight and somewhat perfectionist friend. One day, we were ‘lost’ in a large, unfamiliar school. She thought we were lost but I had a great sense of direction. So when she got angry and frustrated at me, I led her straight back to the entrance with no map! ‘Relax’ I said  while she raised her voice. Anyways, I still love her! That’s a quality that I would find interesting in a friend and apparently she finds attractive in her boyfriend, in her words not mine. I quote “He is a little bit strict”.

Money is also an issue but it has been done and probably the problems are obvious. Mainly, Peer pressure + Money = A lot of money spent! or Rich friend + Poor friend = equally rich? friends….(kidding!) hahaha!

Anyways, after all this in a day, I feel hungry. Frequently. So feed me or let me hunt and gather food, at least twice per outing đŸ™‚

The point of this entry was to tell my friends that I was really, really, really hungry that day when I only ate once in that 6 hour shopping trip. So really let me feed and do not assume my breakfast or dinner at home adds to this equation.

Equation: Food + Sayu = Sa-poo = Shampoo?

Hidden.

There are sides to friends that I don’t know, a world they do not share. It saddens me because when something goes wrong there, what can I say?

I can’t do much because I don’t understand. If I say something, it isn’t relevant.

*sigh* I hate pressurising people.

I love my friends more than myself, it’s just so hard to say and show. What more can I do besides hug?

I want to cry.

I’ll forget this soon, so don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I tend to feel lonely and think depressing thought without all of you here. *sigh* Once again it is my fault for having these trust issues.

From my first love, first kiss, first confession, first rejection and when I first realise my first true mistake, I have learnt to avoid pain. I guess I have to change or else everyone will slip away.

Self-Deceptions.

There are times when you do not want to let go of the past. It can last for years and decades.

Just holding on to a sweet, warm memorable piece of our life brings both sorrow and happiness. While some hold on to the negativity of their past. Strange, is it not?

The Complexity of life can never be understood, even then it can never be proven absolutely correct.

We hold on to the experiences that occurred years ago, only to realise the reality of the situation. The reality of the continual forward drifting of time.

It is like God telling and showing us we have to move on and continue as time continues. If so, in a way he may be quite cold, to let the world move on while a few a struggling to accept their existence in the present. Then again if I were faced with such a decision to create time, then I would do so because sadly, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”.

Humanity has to always move forward in order to embed mistakes in history and continue to learn and grow from them.

It is sad to live in the past and quite possibly regretful, yet we somehow find reasons to linger in the moments that will enviably pass.

That past we must move from and learn from… I cannot. It pains me to relive the past. A thousand needles or just one will forcefully reach the depths of my soul, piercing it. Its poison spreads slowly. A pain that is bearable and I have grown used to. I dont know why I live like this. It hurts to feel pain but I cant stop remembering. I think it is because i want forgiveness.

Forget and forgive, but what if you cant forget? How could you forgive?