J

I dreamt of going to a cafe because I felt he was waiting.

In reality, he is not there.

I had a dream before of jumping off a building.

It appears I have fallen deeper into my fantasies and not out of it.

He is not there. He is not waiting. Why am I making the goals of my life directed to a person…. a figment of my imagination… yet someone who makes me laugh, even in my dreams…

Should I give up?

What should I live for then?

I hope to find an answer soon. Life is moving too fast.

It would not stop or slow down, an aspect of the world I find cruel.

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Hope for change.

I have never had any hope in this world. I knew it would always remain cold and it is true.

The arms that I imagined wrapped around me in my time of need would never be there. No warmth, only a cold shoulder.

I believe if I were to open up to someone then I would be revealing my own weakness.

The world is cold, so I never open up, never show weakness, for it may take advantage of me.

It is the people in this world that comfort me. It is the people in this world that harm me. Yet it is mostly myself that harms me.

I should not be blaming the world, I am to blame.

The world does comfort me and it is me that does not accept this. I do not deserve it. I have committed sins and hurt those around me.

Is it too late to change? Should I deviate from the path I felt most comfortable in, one in which I wallow in the misery of past mistakes?

I know the answer and the sacrifices I have to make but the steps I have have to take seem so endless.

I know I can do it.

present.

Dreaming of a day when all of this will end. I will love the past that created me and the future is just coming. There are no doubts or hesitation. I wish this day would come soon, it seems far.

Disconnected.

I find it hard to accept the reality, which is ‘we are who we are’.

I mean, there is millions upon millions of people in the world plus a seemingly endless and unexplored universe, it is hard to accept that we are just us. Mortal and just a being.

In my dreams when I am awake, I see the stars and live through the life of another me. Some who I could be, become, wished, hoped. Someone unimaginable and so far from the truth or someone just barely close to my reality that I convince myself, it is to some extend a possibility. Though it is never someone from my past that I wish to be… I only remember the pain, not that it is the majority of what has been but because it is a stain/scar on what is. I cannot forget or else who would I be? Arrogant, cruel and cold, probably.

~Society is written, unenthusiastically!~

Overlapping ripples seem to describe society in a metaphorical way, of course, though I do not feel the need to bore myself with details (a selfish request). Maybe I will find a time to expand on this more but then again, I seem to find that I blame society for the consequences of… everything. A bit sad but I cannot go against the reality of reality so I will have to live when it until my end.

Don’t get me wrong I love my life however hateful society maybe to others and myself, I feel there has to be a reason to all this conflict so I hope to find a meaning in it all. I guess I could say it is the initial basis for my willingness to exist. Then I began to mature (somewhat) and realised I have plenty of reasons to live for: family life, romance, friend’s happiness, developments, dreams, goals, etc.

It sometimes feel like a really, really long drama written by the 60 year old, almost retired man who lives a mundane life, trying to get by, not putting effort into his work because he has the retirement fund he has been focused on earning in the past decades. We are probably the characters that literally ‘jump out of the page’ on an occasion to tell him to change this and that… probably a reason for his ‘senile-old-dude’ nickname at work as well as the fact that he always says ‘I’m going to retire tommorow’ for most of his working life. Sorry dude…so can I have a 89.5+ ATAR score for this year to go into my dream job! Please!!!