Enviable.

Huh! I did it again. Avoided my problems. I lied to myself. False happiness in attempt to find comfort. The last post. A sigh.

I talk about my pains, then I feel the need to deny it all with comments such as “I am okay” or “I can do it”.

~A cruel gift. The trojan horse. Wonderful~

In reality, I would never have mentioned such pains to those I cherish and love.

I fear the choice and power I have.

To be closer with those I love I chose to give them knowledge of my own sufferings and in turn the amount of stress and worry was a ‘pleasant surprise’.

Then again, I guess they might not mind… we are friends.

Still, Sorry.

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A cry. A contentness.

The door was unlocked and I felt the need to have someone walk through the door and see me cry. Ask me if I was okay. If there was anything wrong. If it did happen then without fail… smile and say no. Pride gets in the way.

In comfort two songs played.

His voice was heard. Close to my heart. Through …the grated bars of my speakers (a cruel joke).

Through the songs he sang I remembered the bliss that was. Nights, not days, which passes quickly. His voice still ringing in my ears until I fall into a deep slumber or sleepless bliss.

A memory frequently visited with regret as such instances in life, though rare are cherished are the sifted remnants of time.

Sadly, once the bad is remembered the memory turns into a nightmare.

Without fail the ending of this dream was… school.

Tears fell.

Two entered.

My wandering thoughts were interrupted. Footsteps approached the door. I rubbed my eyes. Stretched my back. A fake yawn.

A phone call.

A friend. Confort. Relief. I was alright again.

Stop. Thank you stranger.

For more than a decade, the physical manifestation of emotional pain branches out from my heart to the core of my soul.

A thousand needles, not enough to kill… though, once I wished it did.

“Get it over with already!” I said in rage, the words echo throughout my mind. The images of my hand clasping my chest, though knowing it won’t help, was a vivid glimpse of my childhood.

It appeared frequently with every question related to my primary years.

“Don’t you miss those days when we didn’t have any homework?” A close friend would ask me.

“Yeah, it was fun” I replied, along with the urge to grasp my forehead to ease the residual pain.

Soon after, a wry smile slowly made its subtle appearance.

The desire to move on, suicide, was the pretense at the time, though moments afterwards I regretted every word even until this day

In my childhood, it arrogance that stopped me. “There are too many people who still need me”.

Now, I find that being selfish is not my number one priority as leaving without consideration for others is well… selfish. Plus, I found reasons to live.

That pain I feel and have felt, its underlying cause, was from the unwillingness to accept who I am

‘It is a normal process for teenagers as they will question who they are, while being forced to choose their future through school… wouldn’t it scare everyone?’ A person on Kids Help Line told me that, just today…

Well, that brought up my mood.

She also said that ‘You will find out who you are eventually, don’t need to rush’.

By the way, a school counselor told me that in year 8 but I forgot. haha…

Well.

Thank you.