For more than a decade, the physical manifestation of emotional pain branches out from my heart to the core of my soul.
A thousand needles, not enough to kill… though, once I wished it did.
“Get it over with already!” I said in rage, the words echo throughout my mind. The images of my hand clasping my chest, though knowing it won’t help, was a vivid glimpse of my childhood.
It appeared frequently with every question related to my primary years.
“Don’t you miss those days when we didn’t have any homework?” A close friend would ask me.
“Yeah, it was fun” I replied, along with the urge to grasp my forehead to ease the residual pain.
Soon after, a wry smile slowly made its subtle appearance.
The desire to move on, suicide, was the pretense at the time, though moments afterwards I regretted every word even until this day
In my childhood, it arrogance that stopped me. “There are too many people who still need me”.
Now, I find that being selfish is not my number one priority as leaving without consideration for others is well… selfish. Plus, I found reasons to live.
That pain I feel and have felt, its underlying cause, was from the unwillingness to accept who I am
‘It is a normal process for teenagers as they will question who they are, while being forced to choose their future through school… wouldn’t it scare everyone?’ A person on Kids Help Line told me that, just today…
Well, that brought up my mood.
She also said that ‘You will find out who you are eventually, don’t need to rush’.
By the way, a school counselor told me that in year 8 but I forgot. haha…