Stop. Thank you stranger.

For more than a decade, the physical manifestation of emotional pain branches out from my heart to the core of my soul.

A thousand needles, not enough to kill… though, once I wished it did.

“Get it over with already!” I said in rage, the words echo throughout my mind. The images of my hand clasping my chest, though knowing it won’t help, was a vivid glimpse of my childhood.

It appeared frequently with every question related to my primary years.

“Don’t you miss those days when we didn’t have any homework?” A close friend would ask me.

“Yeah, it was fun” I replied, along with the urge to grasp my forehead to ease the residual pain.

Soon after, a wry smile slowly made its subtle appearance.

The desire to move on, suicide, was the pretense at the time, though moments afterwards I regretted every word even until this day

In my childhood, it arrogance that stopped me. “There are too many people who still need me”.

Now, I find that being selfish is not my number one priority as leaving without consideration for others is well… selfish. Plus, I found reasons to live.

That pain I feel and have felt, its underlying cause, was from the unwillingness to accept who I am

‘It is a normal process for teenagers as they will question who they are, while being forced to choose their future through school… wouldn’t it scare everyone?’ A person on Kids Help Line told me that, just today…

Well, that brought up my mood.

She also said that ‘You will find out who you are eventually, don’t need to rush’.

By the way, a school counselor told me that in year 8 but I forgot. haha…

Well.

Thank you.

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Stop. Thank you stranger.

  1. That’s what life is. A quest of self-discovery; full of ups and downs. Whatever happens to you is a way to find out more about yourself. Don’t always look at the negative sides of life because there are also positives. Happiness is self-sought, just like misery.You have all the time in the world to figure out who you are. School isnt the all-or-end-all in life. I don’t know what’s going on and it hurts me to know that you have suucidal thoughts. If in doubt, always know that you have people you can talk to. Don’t ever think suicide is the only solution; it never changes a thing. Believe me with this, I’ve experienced this before.Just always know that you are a beautiful person, inside out, in my eyes. Even though we may not be what you consider a ‘close’ friend, just know that I love you for you.If you need to talk anytime, just give me a buzz.

  2. @otomegamer – Well, I never had suicidal thoughts… I thought about why I never had any them but I never considered it an option. This blog entry just explains my suffering and how I would regret even the slightest hint of taking my own life. I am grateful for the life that is given to me. The pain, I know is part of my journey to an unknown end. I just wanted everyone to know that I am grateful for the people who I don’t know who have help me overcome some of this pain. I just wanted to stop and say thank you.By the way, thank you for the support and P.C.’s too. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s