crying ‘wolf’

I lied and no one believed me. Should I be angry? No, you knew it was going to happen. Though, the fact that they do not trust me is quite saddening… or maybe they do trust me and they are really clever to see past my deception… either way, I am irritated.

~

Then again, maybe my ‘friend’, Pin J., could be the cause of my bad mood. In the beginning, I knew the type of person she was: stubborn, arrogant, kind, a logical thinker, open-minded and has a bit of a mean streak. I also knew the potential emotional harm she may inflict upon me in the future, unintentionally, due to our differences. This was one of the incidents:

She said something along the lines of “you should be more mature because you are becoming an adult”, “you are not a child anymore” and “you should talk more seriously about…”, repeatedly.

I told her calmly, “can you not say that, please?”

Her eyes begin to tremble, almost in tears and for a second I almost said ‘nevermind’ but she asked me “why?”.

I did not make any eye contact after that point, guilt made me regret my actions and yet I continued. A risky choice – I could have lost a friend.

“It is because… in year 7, I have been told that a lot by people and I chose to walk away from them… It was a tough time for me but I eventually figure out who I was and I accepted that and so did many of my friends, so…”

“But I was only trying to say that you need to mature sometime…”

“Yeah, I know, but a lot of people have told me the same thing ever since I was a kid. Just accept me for who I am ok?”

“yeah, okay…”

Our conversation ended abruptly after seeing sushi on another lunch table.

~

Although, I doubt her thoughts of me may change, I feel a bit better about voicing my opinion. Is this what K.C. meant by having self respect and standing up for yourself? Anyways, she is a wonderful person (Pin J.), even aspects which contrasts with my own. In the end of this conflict, rather than ask myself whether or not I should forgive her, instead, I asked myself whether she will change for the better because of it? I am really worried, she is not the type to have close friends. She enjoys her loneliness with comfort and takes pride in being alone, so much so that it has become her source of confidence and strength. Also, there is nothing really wrong with that but, as a friend… I am just concerned.