You are strong, you deserve better.

Beat, beat, beat, my drug,

drifting life… I want to be in love,

I know the pain,

soul filled rain,

pressure on my chest,

grip on my neck,

“just let go”,

no,

strength in the quiet breath,

weight of life left,

I will not let go, promise, yes, not yet not yet.

 

Writing is my way to release… me.

My family does not want to understand themselves and I, but they are my family. Sadly, this is one of few reasons I can find to move on from them and still love them.

They view life through rose petaled glass, so did I for most of my life. I was beginning to see when I was very young and yet I only begun to understand.

 

Listening to ‘You deserve better’ by Verbal Jint

The things people say.

Though just a second ago I voiced some really depressing stuff… it related to my sister, Ally, and writing was my way of voicing hope to myself in the face of people who do not want to understand. I hate anger in most forms so I changed my anger to a sort of pity for the ‘lesser informed’. Anyways the event of the day just moments before my previous post… Oh! By the way, she speaks terrible chopped up English so I am translating the best I can. She thinks she all proper and thinks she is got all the guys around her hot for her, nope that’s her looking blonde and vulgar.

“women lie.” she muttered.

“what?”

“they wear makeup, they lie.” she bluntly stated.

“no! Seriously be a bit less sexist.” Ally laughed in my face and I crossed my arms.

At this point, I really wanted to punch her in her face but I really tried to be the better person… I was imagining her ARRANGED MARRIAGE in two weeks to end miserably and her to have nothing but the bed of my footsteps to keep her company for final moments of her life. Just to remind myself, the keyword here is… ‘imagine’ hahaha

So okay I tried to be open to different opinions and asked “why would you think that way?”

“Women use makeup to cover who they are. They try not to be themselves.”

I rarely say this because I hate for anyone to say this to me, it is my weakness and the only thing that make me drop to my knees in tears if my love ones said it but it rattled my instinct to stand up for my beliefs… “What is wrong with you?”.

“It’s true isn’t it? That’s why they wear it!”

“Makeup was made for the purpose of enhancing one’s natural and own beauty”

“Yea they lie.” She stated again.

“Okay, I have to admit women use makeup for their appearance but not everybody purely defines themselves by how they look. They use makeup for confidence too you know.”

“Yea, they lie by covering themselves up. NOT natural.”

This continued for a while until I thought, hey she can just screw her life up with that attitude I cannot be bothered to care about her anymore.

Also, a few year ago, she was laughing at my cousin and I at her mum’s funeral, when I came to give her a hug when she broke into tears.

That is not right on so many levels.

I QUOTE, “Awww~! Look at them, sooo cute! Someone take a picture! hahahaha” she said out loud whilst pointing and laughing.

My brother took her side and said, “maybe you are imagining it” He still thinks she is somehow an innocent, virgin or something, anyways…

Really now? I would make up something like that up for what purpose? I did not have any intention to discredit her. Even if I did, why did I wait two years to finally talk about it? It was on my auntie’s funeral and I did not want this matter to be blow out of proportion it was her’s and her family’s moment. I quelled my anger that day for my cousin’s sake and Ally inconsiderately remained just as her inappropriate self. Of course, if we were alone and my arms were not around my cousin I would have really told her off… anything else would have drawn attention.

I am so happy for her in getting into a marriage and finally being out of the house after being mum’s pumpkin after 35 years.

Note: I have nothing against arranged marriage but I do have a lot against her. You can tell right?

 
 

Hope.

The fear of the uncontrollable laughter in the hearts and souls of many, it dwells in the pit of my observing presence in my own life. The fear of others, their uncontrollable souls filled with hidden sin just waiting for them to reach a subjective hopelessness; whether it will be loss of a virginity or a draining presence fatiguing their just light. I wish for this light to make an everlasting impression once again. But no. It is lost. It’s existence no longer here, only the trailing hope lingers in its fading footsteps.

This conclusion is met with my own laughter; malicious in nature but what light this act brings is truth. So again I am at restless peace, waiting for the end of days in the corner of my mind guarding my precious virginal childhood self under lock and a key I have swallowed over and over. No one can take this from me yet I must be open to the world to be one with the light around surrounding my closed eyes. There is always light behind the lids I choose to keep close. It is only my doubt and fear which keeps me.

I will never give in the darkness I brought upon myself as a result of the pain and harm I have. I will kneel with my pride, courageous heart and ask for help. So someone will come because someone always does, even if that someone may be yourself.