Glimpse.

A little girl of hip height peered out from the crack of her bedroom door. The bright sunshine shone brightly that very day through the lace curtains of every window, lighting up the white interior of the hallway and yet she was scared.

She never heard silence before, at least not like this. She always woke to hear the shuffling of footsteps, murmurs of conversations and the occasional laughter of her older brothers Рeven rarer maybe even mum or a chuckle from dad.  It was usually after these sounds slowly dissipated towards the late nights Рwhen her eyes are heavily with the temptation to close them again for a much needed and undisturbed sleep Рthat she basked in this moments of silence. For her, it was so comfortable as being wrapped in a warm blanket and being tuck into bed with her favorite rose embroidered handkerchief and a bottle of milk. It lulled her to sleep as she knew that even within the shadows and quiet, she was never alone; the sun (her family) would make it all go away when she woke again.

Yet unlike the other days, for some reason, this day was different. She felt alone in the big house that she called home.

Pissed.

I often hear words of insincerely, such as ‘how are you?’ in a tone – blatantly wishing I reply with the expected ‘alright, you?’ and then leading to a casual ‘until next time then’.

It is disappointing each time I hear people acquire to my health and recent activities when they do not genuinely care whether or not I just recently got into reading erotic, gay novels over the past few days and have a rash due to rigorous self-inflicted ‘friction’.

They might be surprised and probably have made a mental note to avoid future conversations… but hey, if you would have been more honest with yourself and paid more attention to me in the beginning, you might have noticed I was just as disinterested as you. I saved us the trouble of going through a routine of a much unneeded social pleasantry and know we both have something to talk about. Hence this post and I am being nice by not mentioning your name, mister!

Really cannot stand having an ordinary day.

Never not interesting when I am pondering alone throughout a day.

People are the unmeasurable variable that may either push the consequence of our interactions to the tipping point of boredom or extreme ‘fun’. I have learned long ago that I cannot expect much from people and that way they can surprise you, even when they are boring.

As a human being, I really cannot live without them though. Social isolation – I have tried – the consequences were unexpectedly terrible. Prone to anxiety and being seen as ‘shy’, not very fun.

Anyways, I am just seriously pissed at some certain individuals. No trust what so ever and lied for there own sake because of pride. Cannot really elaborate on details currently but will do so to piss them off in the near future. Probably not.

Crazy.

I voice I heard. Its silent whispers like a quiet lullaby. It has never sang so loudly in my head.

“Never need to talk to them again,

Never need to talk to them again,

because it is all my fault”

Such a beautiful song full of hope, uplifting the burden on my shoulders.

I hope they never want to see me.

Should have never made that last contact. Now they know I used to care ha ha.

I told myself, if I ever hurt anyone, I was bad. Bad people get pain in their chest. I always used to get pain in my chest but now its gone.

I am free. I will never hurt anyone because I am free. I will never care because it will only hurt them.

K.C. is different. She is like me, she will not hurt like the others. She is like me… but will care and will not hurt others like me. She is different but good.

My dream is broken now. I thought it could never be touched because it was simple and so easy. It broken, though. I broke it. I broke it when I whispered a good intent to my loveliness.

I told myself to never be me. I told myself to never be true to myself. It was all true when I was younger. I should have stuck to being what everyone else wanted me to be.

I am so sorry everyone. I was stupid to think I was anything more than selfish, arrogant, rude, stupid or weird.

Do not worry. It started with me and so it will end with me.

Fallen.

All my days alone, deep in thought of the hatred I have for the world. The injustice, because I was meant to be something more yet I have been dealt the wooden spoon; the unlucky hand.

I threw the cape mother wrapped around me on the wet ground behind me. The very cape she bundled me in when I was left on the doorsteps of a stranger’s home.

When was younger, it was a thousand needles slowly inching deeper and now, an old scar, a dull ache which will never quite disappear. It seems today I have finally snapped, every emotion that I have ignored, every moment I forced my true self to step aside for the sake of another, all the cries of agony came rushing back to this point in time, to this present.

“It is not fair!” I cry out from the depths of a core residing within myself.

Rain drowning out my very presence. My tears seamlessly disappear, thunder drowning my voice, and only when lightning struck will anyone be able to faintly make out a person looking out to the roaring ocean beyond.

The sad thing is that despite this climatic moment, no one will truly ever hear me. As when the rain lifts, it will be morning and no one would know I ever stood at the very edge of the cliff finally telling the world finally how I felt. No one would know.


When is enough, enough? When should I stop running away? When will I ever let go and stop defining who I am by who I was? Will I ever accept this reality I was brought into or will a bitterness for the world be spoken in my last breath?

I know I am forgetting that I am not alone but at this moment, friends and family have no place in my life with the choice I have made to wallow in my own misery.

Pitiful, really.