Solace.

My dystopian dreams, I wonder why I have so many.

At this point in my life it is hard to find meaning in peace and so, I am not at peace. My mind is searching for more and excitement. A lack of gratitude, I would say.

There is nothing wrong and I find that so wrong. I feel like every time I wake there is no apocalypse, no struggle that it is too plain.

This frustration and confusion builds up inside as urges I have to harm myself and emotionally damage myself by distorting the reality of what is around me… I am scared of myself and what I have done to myself.

I am not the absence or presence of pain/excitement/release. I am no one else but a girl who wants to just be. I think it is this truth that scares me so much.

I have to be more than just me.
I have to be more confident to get work, talk to new people and ‘network’.
I have to be more bubblier to seem more friendly to strangers.
I have to throw away how I feel because it has no place at work. It has no place in my studies. It has no place at home.
I have no place to just be.

People say it is part of growing up, being professional and being an adult. But this isn’t who I want to be.

I want every part of my life to be authentic and honest. It may be unrealistic to some and strange for most. Because I know those stares and whispers so well, as a reaction to moments of honest and open expression of my feelings and sexuality as a woman.

This is who I am.

Please anyone tell me why I have to be anyone different? Why do I have to be ‘professional’ or an ‘adult’ about things?

Look.
Perhaps I am spoilt in these times of peace.
Perhaps I am still a ‘child’ or close-minded in holding on to things I know.
Perhaps I should grow up.
Perhaps I am scared about who this confident, professional adult me is.

I really don’t know and I am scared.

There are those around me who have became those things. I feel like I’m behind and no one knows how I feel.

I will never admit that I am alone.
I will admit that at this moment I am choosing to be alone because it is easier.
When I do open up again eventually about this… because I always do… I will judge myself so harshly that I will feel on the brink of self-harm again.

So this is another message to myself when you come to that point.
I love you.
Do not forget the you who had laughed in the pauses of life between crying.
Do not be afraid to dream of a future that may be improbable but exciting.
You are not a child. You are not an adult. You are not judged based on ‘maturity’ or ‘poise’ or ‘confidence’. The only judgement that should matter is that of yourself onto yourself. Everything is in the eye of the beholder.
You have to put on those heels that you hate sometimes to fit in because that’s FUCKING life and it sucks. It really does.
Everyone does it to get to a place they want to be.
You have to as well.
Why? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t want to understand why we have to comform but we must to be happy. Live for the future moments when we can just be.

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